tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91688150994432604652024-02-01T21:56:14.456-07:00breathe peacelove love lovecathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.comBlogger316125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-28939220921297821172016-09-05T08:49:00.000-06:002016-09-05T08:49:25.703-06:00September, I'll remember<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are 2 starts to each year. New Years Day of course and Back-to-school. I love the fresh start that autumn brings, a return to wearing socks and falling into a routine.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Earth House tribe continues to swell. I know these days of noise and young energy will pass, so today I am grateful for What Is. Carson started a new school. He now attends Copper Canyon with his cousins. That means school bus adventures. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear World,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be kind to this boy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tomorrow Presley starts orchestra, picks up ballet and will most likely grow another inch!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kody starts his new job. 6:30AM!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sage starts preschool! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I give thanks for all of it. I deeply love the people I live with and the cooperative spirit that provides our drum beat. Marching into September with hope and happiness. And new socks!</span></div>
cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-51091803720836681722016-02-26T10:43:00.001-07:002016-02-26T10:43:09.835-07:00and yet perfect among mornings <i><b>The Pearl </b></i>is one of my most loved stories. Its like scripture. The message adapts to nourish me in whatever hungry place I find myself. Interestingly, it wasn't even on my radar when I chose the name Pearl Midwifery. It's time to take a meditative pause and reread this book. I was reminded of something this morning in a stunning, tender way. <br />
<b>To self:</b> Please dear midwife, remember who you are and what sacred trust has been placed in your hands and heart. <br />
Be grateful for all that you have been given and radiate your light. Prepare to be taught by the humble ones.<br />
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-79509094937407366432016-01-08T19:39:00.000-07:002016-01-08T19:39:22.220-07:00Little Light Beings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Stelly. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Sagey.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Oli.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">They are strong ladies, these baby girls of mine. Mine.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I think I'm going to have GrammyCat Camp. They have so much to teach me!</span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-52526953427665019182016-01-05T23:26:00.000-07:002016-01-05T23:26:32.887-07:00spaced out<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSLqYTipQWUydL5MjMNMub3GYS3OyhNXYXckUFwpX_QyMSwCEVj7bADG-w4f7H0rxzNqoNDKyY0tkx6qgKX63BB2_B7KDY-tMzkM0RSMRsOPU1CZqFF5NeuSf6EQKfcJbu26Sv5gUUM4k/s1600/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSLqYTipQWUydL5MjMNMub3GYS3OyhNXYXckUFwpX_QyMSwCEVj7bADG-w4f7H0rxzNqoNDKyY0tkx6qgKX63BB2_B7KDY-tMzkM0RSMRsOPU1CZqFF5NeuSf6EQKfcJbu26Sv5gUUM4k/s400/FullSizeRender-3.jpg" width="300" /></a><span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Imperfectly perfect. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">This space of mine. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">My work day started early. It was everything that makes it <i>work</i>. Not enough sleep, tight schedule, fax reports lost in cyberspace, spilled water bottle on my charts, forgot to eat and left the blood draw tubes on my desk.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I yelled at myself in the car. Then I settled enough to pray out loud. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Calm my heart. Calm my mind. Calm this body and make me strong."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The work morphed into joy. It always does. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">First, SaraLove. smiling in the slushy snow. She jumped into the backseat behind me (spilled water bottle still on the front seat!) and we laughed at the sight of us speeding in the Mini. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">First appointment. Almost 3 year old comes running in her pink leotard and announces that today her name is Big Sister Mulan. Prenatal ended with her laying her ear on top of mom's 23 week baby belly, wide eyed, telling us what wee brother was saying. Dad packed us some scones for the road and we were off. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Next appointment. 16 weeker hid from my doppler. Mom laughed about something and I told her laughing was not permitted. That was all it took. We were all laughing so hard. Dad and jammied toddler too. I found the heartbeat and all was well.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Off to Eagle Mountain. Our "mom" met us on the porch, smiles and hugs. In 10 weeks she'll birth her 9th child, a girl already named. Eden. Mom still looks like a radiant schoolgirl. Love does that to a person and this house is full to the brim with Love. We laughed about Primary kids and dogs and nurses that think babies will drown if water is not broken before birth. More hugs and some treats for my Georgie dog from her Leo dog. Back on the road.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Fourth appointment. We have grown to love this woman, her man and their dog, Steve. So much! Within a couple of weeks she will be born as a mother. She's getting scared, wonders if she'll be strong enough. We assure her that she will be, that we will help her. She asks how. "I will look in your eyes and breathe with you and remind you when you forget, that this will be worth it." She calmed. Visibly. We left her and Steve snuggled under blankets on the couch.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">That was the first half of my day.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Bye Sara. Hello BeckiZen!</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">We had an official 2 hour peer review disguised as lunch at Squatters. BZ is a midwife now. We had a million things to catch up on, funniest stories ever and were still not done when our time was up. Was it really 6 years ago when we started our adventures?</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I finished the day up by myself. 2 more home visits. 2 more baby bellies. 2 of the sweetest mamas. 2 baby boys that will be born very close together.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Six women and their families shared their spaces with me today. Their trust humbles me. So much.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Is there such a thing as content exhaustion? That's how I would describe me heading westward during rush hour. Heading home. So happy. So tired. So ready for my own space to receive me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Here it is. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Everyone is asleep. The tea is good. Spotify "discovered" a playlist just for me. The salt lamp glows.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I'm going to review these charts (They are finally dry!). Then I will simmer here in gratitude for as long as my eyes can stay open. This midwife was fed today with the things that matter most. </span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-39630203452436736652016-01-05T00:21:00.001-07:002016-01-05T00:21:37.434-07:00Approaching Crone-hood<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm blogging again. Seems I've entered an introspective, deeply humble phase. As my thoughts find words, I miss this outlet. Seriously. I need a place to release and untangle the stuff that swims in my brain and heart or else.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Firstly, I am in love. With so many people and so many places and the RareWolf dog of mine called "Georgie."</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Secondly, I swing from feeling powerful and content with my parts like family, work and all, to feeling deeply inadequate and helpless. What does that mean? </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I cry easily and laugh deeply. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm in a vulnerable place most of the time and an invincible place some of the time.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wonder about my character when the best I can come up with for New Year's intentions is to shave my legs more often and grocery shop with a list. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I miss the people of my heart that I can't see. I long to hold them and hear them. So much that I feel my heart being squeezed. So hard that I can barely breathe. </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm sure that if I could just see Tracy Chapman and Eddie Vedder shows that I would want for nothing else, ever.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then there's this terrible truth starting to seep in: I can't feed all of the hungry ones. Can't assure every mama that her babe will be gently welcomed. That panics me. If not me, then who? </span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And then I come across this picture. Pretty little thing. Faelin. Her family floated into my life and we all made a big difference to each other. For good. For peace. I remember the ripple effect and realize that is what I can do. Spark a bit of loving joy and sit back.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'll pray my life out loud. Thanking and asking.</span><br />
<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There. </span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-36276613016507184212013-11-11T19:41:00.000-07:002013-11-12T08:05:20.571-07:00Punta Laguna The day of adventure<br />
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We started with a Mayan shaman, Serapio. This is his villge. He performed a cermony, praying for our safety. We drank holy fermented something from a communal bowl and then he smudged us with smoke from burning copal resin.It was emotional for me. I felt the purity of his Mayan ancestry and gratitude that the rituals and traditions have survived.<br />
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That's me JungleCat! I was a little bit scared. This is real Mayan jungle, not the theme park like Xplor. I'm holding the brake in my right hand. Its a stick with a notch carved out to hang on the cable. </div>
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Feet up, a big push from guide/friend Hugo and off I went.</div>
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-13809644456743276162013-11-11T16:32:00.003-07:002013-11-12T08:07:49.531-07:00Isla Mujeres<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Drove to Cancun then ferried over to this little bit of an island. The hippie flavor here is different than in Tulum. I liked it. These cafe restroom doors amused me. </span></span></span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-72595021534450565872013-11-07T18:48:00.000-07:002013-11-07T18:48:46.405-07:00battered mermaidI was just coasting on my little board, moving towards the shore in waist deep water. A wave was building behind me so I tucked my head and held on tight for the ride. I'd been doing it all morning. Somehow this one lifted my board from the back and knocked me face first to the bottom. Hard. I felt my neck bend sideways. It hurt. I got on my feet, went after my board and marched to my spot on the sand. It really, really hurt my feelings most. I cried like a big baby and called The Sea a very bad name! She is my one solace on this earth. When midwife needs to be mermaid I come to her. Today she kicked my buns without apology. Now what?<br />
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<br />cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-27927534700323247172013-11-07T18:07:00.001-07:002013-11-11T16:37:14.875-07:00Day of GoodnessSunrise woke me. Every time I have to jump out of bed and snap a picture. Then back to bed until I feel like really waking up. <br />
I had an old Donovan song or three in my head, songs about the sea. Lucky for me Internet was in a good mood and I watched Donovan YouTubes until I got hungry.<br />
I love cooking in this sparse Mexican kitchen.<br />
Next, I read some Steinbeck, walked along the beach for an hour, ate again then another short walk to the Cesiak Center for a CocaLight. A quick dip in the ocean on the way back to la casa and more Steinbeck.<br />
A little nap or two and this all adds up to goodness. Crazy, pure goodness.cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-25972664357006773882013-11-07T18:03:00.002-07:002013-11-07T18:08:57.021-07:00new word: pibilWe requested that our housekeeper, Gloria, cook her specialty for dinner. Pollo Pibil. Chicken cooked in banana leaves. She cooked in our house and I requested her children to come. I had a delightful time with them. We taught each other some English/Spanish and I shared what pictures I had of my babies at home. They were very excited to learn about iPads and laughed just like Pres and Carson when they played games. The meal was incredible! Gloria worked some magic in this little, sparsely equipped cocina. The rest of the meal included black beans, lime chicken soup and tortillas.<br />
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-41289230223599725422013-11-04T22:16:00.000-07:002013-11-04T22:16:06.021-07:00sea leveled<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">All day and all<span style="font-size: small;"> n</span>ight, the sounds o<span style="font-size: small;">f the sea, the wind and soaring gulls are my music. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I love it so much. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I love how firm, <span style="font-size: small;">damp</span> sand feels under my fee<span style="font-size: small;">t<span style="font-size: small;"> a<span style="font-size: small;">s I </span>walk and walk.</span></span> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I love the <span style="font-size: small;">taste of salty water when unexpected waves knock me over. </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I love to watch<span style="font-size: small;"> the pelicans dive for lunch. <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">I</span> breath<span style="font-size: small;">e</span> deep.<span style="font-size: small;"> T<span style="font-size: small;">he ocean scent is harmony and energy. </span>Breathing in <span style="font-size: small;">peace. Breathing out conflict.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span> <span style="font-size: x-small;">Casa Houston</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> Tulum, Quintana Roo, Mexico</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> 04 Nov 2013 </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-84484062041789498202013-11-04T21:27:00.000-07:002013-11-04T21:27:26.686-07:00As still as can be<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am in a still place and want to stay for awhile. </span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">There is a long stretch of dirt road to this house. It wasn<span style="font-size: large;">'t bad last year bu<span style="font-size: large;">t recent storms have made it treacherous. Wildly bumpy, sinkholes and deep pools of water for miles. </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Since we arrived there have been on and off storms, rain and wind.</span></span> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Two good reasons to just be, right here. </span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have no sense of time. When it gets dark, I feel sleepy. When the sun rises, light through the linen curtains wakes me. When I feel hungry, I cook. I predict that we will be out of food by Wednesday and will have to get dressed and venture into town. <span style="font-size: large;">I may be ready to start f<span style="font-size: large;">illing this cleansed, emptied vessel<span style="font-size: large;"> by then. For now, I am embracing stillness, <span style="font-size: large;">gratefully, patiently.</span></span></span></span></span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span> </span></span></span></span> </span></i>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-9309480727334805342013-11-04T21:01:00.001-07:002013-11-04T21:03:23.774-07:00I Will Take Care of You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">This is a page from <i>The Book of Qualities, </i><span style="font-size: large;">a<span style="font-size: large;"> gift fro<span style="font-size: large;">m Jeff. <span style="font-size: large;">Every time I read from it, I love it more and am blown away by the author's gift<span style="font-size: large;">. If ever words<span style="font-size: large;"> were art, this work by J. Ruth Gendler is.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">As I begin a transition, I love this advice to look to the butterflies. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">". . . make a chrysalis for the changing human heart." </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></i></div>
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-86090499271477289112013-11-03T19:16:00.001-07:002013-11-04T10:30:01.638-07:00Getting started<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">There is an advantage <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">to</span> returning to the same beach, same house. No time is wasted on getting oriented. We knew just where to stop for groceries <span style="font-size: large;">and wh<span style="font-size: large;">at to get</span></span><span style="font-size: large;">. <span style="font-size: large;">I</span> knew just what to pack. <span style="font-size: large;">E</span>very little linen thing I own from <i>Homefrocks </i>in Santa Fe is han<span style="font-size: large;">ging orderly in my Tulum space. I feel orderly. Sometimes that is just what is needed. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: large;">Simple. Minimal. Order.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Choosing what books to bring was <span style="font-size: large;">not so </span>easy. I need to hold real books, <span style="font-size: large;">turn real pages, dog ear real corners. No Kindle for me. That can add up to a very heavy suitcase. I chose three<span style="font-size: large;"> plus a cookbook, (<span style="font-size: large;"><i>Reci</i><span style="font-size: large;"><i>pes from Sanibe</i><span style="font-size: large;"><i>l</i> </span>bought in a used book store in AZ!). I bought a couple more in the SLC airport. Who can resist a Graham Nash tells all? Well, now that <span style="font-size: large;">I</span> am <span style="font-size: large;">breathing peace and settled in, first up is this Steinbeck treasure. Thank you dear Gina for finding this for me. I read this book 30 years <span style="font-size: large;">ago. When Jeff was in school and Lindsay was napping, I would<span style="font-size: large;"> lay out in the backyard Elko sun and read for pleasure. <span style="font-size: large;">My</span> scenery <span style="font-size: large;">is different</span> <span style="font-size: large;">now <span style="font-size: large;">but</span></span> I<span style="font-size: large;">'m sure</span> this will del<span style="font-size: large;">ight me all over a<span style="font-size: large;">gain.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<ol><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ7qAkTm7JKIz-Uqtf-_qogzeaGOG1rTSFycXcTZbKpngQlASHM5i0TXzhe2erp7ohANcumKiA-EpHhAm-DPIoYnx85TDhrzlSgp5U-ZDndHehGG3qC1pyariuxzY-n-ymwhgzsRMVrnM/s1600/steinbeck.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></ol>
cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-25997537038995603042013-11-03T18:20:00.000-07:002013-11-04T10:26:09.790-07:00ex.haust.ion<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzVQA1Q4L8uuolUdcC9olC3oaKthYf93XyvAoIFXYAtRGbvV7d1Pzr-bfCQiE9DV_2JJMBlWGSiv0iCtfgd3EX2p-C6ZWyBTX8yTADH0TUsSGyw-mEyc8YF6biYHkQbigoiW21IWLnA4/s1600/cathy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzVQA1Q4L8uuolUdcC9olC3oaKthYf93XyvAoIFXYAtRGbvV7d1Pzr-bfCQiE9DV_2JJMBlWGSiv0iCtfgd3EX2p-C6ZWyBTX8yTADH0TUsSGyw-mEyc8YF6biYHkQbigoiW21IWLnA4/s200/cathy.JPG" width="150" /></a>I looked up the word origin. <i><b> Exhaust</b></i> means to drain or draw off. Like that pipe on the back of the car. Once Natalie sold a trampoline to buy a big noisy exhaust for her Talon. I guess exhaustion can be like that. Noisy.<br />
<br />
Mine crept up on me. Fatigue quietly spilled over. I couldn't wake up. I had to. One foot in front of the other. Duck your head. Keep going. Day. Night. Day. Night. No sleep. My self talk: You can do hard things.<br />
Don't think. Don't give in to the tears that are always right on the edge.<br />
<br />
I knew Tulum was right around the corner and I counted the days. Exhaustion, merciless dude that he is, hammered me with new worries and chaos all the way here. Once on Mexican soil, in the car driving south to Tulum, I broke. I slept. And I slept. No cell, no Internet, no moonlight. In the safe nest of my beloved sea song, I gave into weariness. I let go.<br />
<br />
I don't have to do hard things right now. Just breathe. <br />
<br />
Day 1. I didn't get dressed. Walked down to the beach in my favorite black pants and even more favorite orange v-neck.. I should have known clothes wouldn't stop me. I needed to be in it. Soon I was over my head, riding waves, remembering. The sea encouraged me to cast every burden. I did. I curled my toes tight into the sand, tasted the salt and let La Mar wash completely over me. De-tox. I left all the hard parts, scary replays, troublesome worries and grief in the deep blue. I didn't realize I was crying until I started back to the shore. Now I can begin. cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-36197394791096148582013-11-02T21:33:00.001-06:002013-11-02T21:33:19.750-06:00Safe and Sound<div style="text-align: center;">
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Just got a text from Chuck + Cath that they are safely in Mexico. </div>
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She wanted me to send out word that <i>all is well</i>.</div>
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She'll blog soon! </div>
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Love, Lindsay</div>
Lovely Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16824437494448106263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-83423064741297106172013-08-02T16:47:00.001-06:002013-08-02T17:08:38.548-06:00August Receive.<br />
I will.<br />
I'm opening my heart, my mind and my spirit. I know that when September arrives, when August writes her epilogue, I will be different. I can direct. I cannot control.<br />
August has always been like this. She changes things up.<br />
<br />
1973. There was a canal bank with trees and soft grass. A sanctuary. I'll go there again someday.<br />
1975. Jeff was born. The universe shifted and he was mine.<br />
1976. A fragile little family moved to Boise. I was so scared.<br />
1978. I took my baby boy to Moscow, ID. Even scarier. We set up house.<br />
1980. Elko, NV. Made a baby girl, I had no idea.<br />
1984. Bought a house in Nampa, ID. Marilyn and Stephanie, my friends.<br />
1993. Jeff left my nest. I wasn't ready.<br />
1997. I gained a daughter-in-law. Jeff married Amelia.<br />
1999. Gabriel was born. So was a GrammyCat. Who are these children coming down?<br />
2008. Alexandra Jade was baptized.<br />
2013.<br />
<br />
I will be different somehow. Changing as I should, accepting where I must. There are mothers to be born, babies to guide in, a grand daughter to direct, a son and daughters to gather in tight, decisions to face and so much love to bless it all.<br />
It feels like jumping off a really high diving board, free falling almost. I'll stay open. I'll trust.<br />
I will.cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-29119151419431033862013-03-05T04:21:00.000-07:002013-03-05T04:36:22.316-07:005 GratefulsIt's been awhile since I paused to formally list my 5 Gratefuls. It's 4 in the morning, only had 1 Diet Coke today and cannot sleep. Got some things on my mind that are preventing it from shutting down. So here I am, sorting, drifting, wishing, figuring, balancing, dreaming and giving thanks.<br />
<br />
1. This cozy little office of mine. Only things I really love get to live here. Lovely mamas come in here to nurse their babies in peace and I curl up on this love seat when I'm wounded. Bellies get filled, hearts get healed. The light's just right, the smells soothe and my dreams are nicely stashed. The families that trust me as their midwife initially meet me here. People that I love come here to talk to me about the deep stuff. Guess that all adds up to sacred space.<br />
2. My unconventional ways. I see things differently, I measure with a different scale, I sing my own song. I don't fit in a box and certainly not a cage. I like me. I like the other same sames from my tribe.<br />
3. MCU Conference week. To be surrounded by my midwife sisters, others that "get it" is a powerful, cup filling thing.<br />
4. Pandora Radio.<br />
5. Li'l Red and M Street house. That's all I need.<br />
<br />
"Let it Be" just came on Pandora. Perfect. Maybe sleep will let me in now.<br />
<br />
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-67807441274417135462013-02-22T12:31:00.001-07:002013-02-22T13:11:06.512-07:00Gavin's Birth Stories<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Someday soon when I write my "Best Ever Birth Stories",this will be a star. Gavi Love just turned 4, my favorite Little age. I've </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: x-small; line-height: 18px;">replayed this birth day many times and it brings me so much joy. First, Lindsay's recollection and then mine. We wrote them privately, then shared them with other. A daughter and her midwife mama. . .</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><u>a birth story</u></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“am i really doing this? is this really</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>it</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">?”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it was probably around five thirty-ish on january twenty ninth.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>a thursday.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“lindsay. look at me. this</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>is</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it.” ginger says.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6X2HtwuqhyKQRFJ5z5CdZXzbkhuKV-Sj0qqtVRgIic70FAHAB7r59U3ewpo2Pap3T1JL9RbGXl_oYRosCw7isv_24nGITXAz-n4xFI5hQmV9pwdvTok5PsPqsCZ2SuCRaFfUM_wykRT0/s1600-h/DSC_16263.jpg" style="color: #e9aa67; text-decoration: none;"><img align="right" alt="DSC_1626" border="0" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdp7_NaueSFp9jW5HGqOCMwhMasbIwf6oUIpSRoTww3K3u8naVNsqybUnFIA9ASHqBbd83NVHMHEhfOGz8KPMUxEX9o8ILNiApX4SZ3Td3yeVEOnCUmQxZLf1F8xPH-gPDhqbPhkcCBlU/?imgmax=800" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 0px; border-width: initial; display: inline; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 4px; padding-right: 4px; padding-top: 4px; position: relative;" title="DSC_1626" width="300" /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">****</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s the twenty eighth. i’ve spent the day with lucas.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it involved:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">a giant lollipop.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">a box of popcorn.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">a good chat.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">a balloon.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">holding hands.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i’m thirty nine weeks pregnant.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s now night-time. i take a quick fresh air drive.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the cranberries: “ dreamin’ my dreams” plays really loud through my speakers and out the windows.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am singing outloud.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i spot a tiny sliver of moon.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i cry tears for a good best-friend day with lucas and acknowledge that this dynamic is going to change.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoYxgFc-mJHT7WROXXioJD0BYhwIs6i43u7RALzNgsHp0AbDdPgPYKjGrJL0ETpErnW2AmySCvvb6hDdgSYgs5OV4dZl7b-KL9NL5t1qJLgTV989vffR8RP83JvId3bFPu92A2smb0nmY/s1600-h/DSC_16312.jpg" style="color: #e9aa67; text-decoration: none;"><img align="right" alt="DSC_1631" border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhslP5OwXIndnkk2TlEyiIMevGgHV9wbC8e23sUCpi1t72NveDWY-cGuroZ_xHYRR8-nx_q9PpjYlRywAd4goqqsNKS6ySpOgPuxo-vKrMUZTD9a83E93y3D-fEj7bjdsLhhuD-JJ6Z3ws/?imgmax=800" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 0px; border-width: initial; display: inline; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 4px; padding-right: 4px; padding-top: 4px; position: relative;" title="DSC_1631" width="240" /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i cry tears for a baby boy. an old friend that i will meet again soon.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">back at home i work on my birth playlist a bit.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i add “he came to meet me” by hem. i’ve found</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>his</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">birth song!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><em>“…i'd seen this whole day<br />like it was drawing near…”</em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s now bed-time and i feel sick.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i take a hot midnight bath and rub my big belly.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i say a prayer for sleep. for peace. and please, no sick germs tonight.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">my mom calls from the</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>franti</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">concert. she will be here in a few days.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i sleep good.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">luc pukes.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">andrey moves to the couch.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the twenty ninth. i wake. braxton hicks contractions are</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>bugging </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">lucas and i eat a good breakfast together.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i clean lucas up and make him a cozy couch bed with his orange striped socks.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i take a HOT. LONG. SHOWER.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i remove ALL the bedding. start a load of laundry. i scrub and disinfect the kitchen.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it now smells like clorox. get these sick germs out!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i email amy for sick remedies:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">RE: “open the door and let in some fresh air!”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the contractions are</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>bugging</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i change over the laundry and set-up to start sewing bumper pads for the baby’s crib.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i call my mom. she’s lunching at red lobster with gram and jen. we talk about cheddar biscuits.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“bring me one tomorrow and when is that birth tub supposed to be here?”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i tell her about the contractions.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“just sit down, hold still and rest” she says.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">so i snuggle up on the couch with lucas to write baby shower thank-you’s.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we take a slow little walk to the mailbox and lucas drops each one separately into the slot.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we sit down together at the kitchen table for a yummy lunch. smoothies and a good sandwich. delish!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">natalie calls from work to say “hello”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“if you talk to mom,” i say “tell her i think my baby is coming today.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am only half way kidding.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the contractions are</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>bugging</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">amy stops by with our sick-y survival kit.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">a jug of recharge and some soup.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i cry. i feel different and my mom isn’t here yet.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“mom, don’t cry. i’ll take care of you” lucas tells me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">and he does.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i try to work on the bumper again.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i have to stop sewing with each contraction.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i call my mom, “these are definitely real. they start down low. but there’s no real pattern or anything.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i want her to come now but i will feel so silly if this isn’t</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>it. </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i decide that i have had it with the bumper, put it away and call andrey.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“ i</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>think</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i might need you to come home soon.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>shannon calls.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">my mom has called her and she has a tub i can borrow.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>mom calls.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll try and come now – but dad wants me to see ginger and make sure before they switch tickets.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll call her for me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i call andrey. again. “i</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>think</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">you should just come home,</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><strong>now</strong></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">amelia is at the door. she will take me to see ginger. i cry. she’ll be right back with the van.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i change into my cords, put on my birks and tie lukey’s shoes.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYGptlKOLY_UVTfk8F9LbVXvqJbPxBpoMzAfCyZujCwxh7jkJwVdflQ6048tIudCtHL8fWK0iwVYMgWER4QOTskb-WGHiyj5y2ntIrXaJBgI-ar4dSXKg7TaaSr4WOQly6qhKHCmiYy2E/s1600-h/DSC_1642.jpg" style="color: #e9aa67; text-decoration: none;"><img align="right" alt="DSC_1642" border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHf0mDUH-6yWrM-LEuJ2USLjhqAxx4TZORfOyogjDZ6u4x33bq4Mcx7kbGRilWZaE83AhgT2CP7yZ0SKx4mA41rlA0JwFPiBOhyAyC3SHQzjuHhaLnZ6HUXIwGn8tCFpZD0OaKWiT6Hdw/?imgmax=800" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-color: initial; border-bottom-style: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: initial; border-left-style: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: initial; border-right-style: initial; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: initial; border-top-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; border-width: initial; display: inline; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 4px; padding-right: 4px; padding-top: 4px; position: relative;" title="DSC_1642" width="300" /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i pack him up a simple bag.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">this was a “to-do” item i hadn’t gotten to yet.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i think:</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">this house is not ready.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the sheets are still in the laundry.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">there is no pool, yet</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we have no groceries</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the back bathroom is a mess.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i haven’t shaved my legs.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">amelia is back to pick us up.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the van is full of kids. she’s babysitting today.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i explain to her how i am feeling and she can remember feeling like this, too.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll drop me off and take the kids to the park.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i ring the bell at</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>the blue heron</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">. ginger opens the door and greets me with a hug.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>there you are</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">” she calmly whispers to me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she shoos a lady out of the exam room and helps me up on the table.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she feels my belly. it’s contracting.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s two thirty pm. i’m three centimeters. fifty percent effaced.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she calls my mom. it’s busy. she tries again.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i’m having another contraction. i need to lean against the wall.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“you should come soon” i hear her say to the answering machine.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she walks me to the door and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll come whenever i need her.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i walk out onto the front steps.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am alone with this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">there is a breeze outside.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i hurt.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">amy’s white car pulls up and i climb in and catch my breath.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we call amelia at the park.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the van pulls up and i switch cars.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i try my mom again. there’s two flights.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll be on one of them.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she’ll either be here at six or at ten.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">everyone seems to know i am in labor – but me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i grip the van door handles until we’re home.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">andrey is there. he’s already picked up the pool and has started to pump it up.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i get back into my jammies. i cannot do anything else.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">amelia rounds up my birth kit, sets up my bed and says she’ll be back. she is calm but moving fast.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i find my spot on the couch.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">lucas is playing in the living room with cameron and i ask amy to please take care of him.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i put my face in the indigo girls t-shirt she’s brought me. another contraction.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“start filling that tub now, andrey” she says.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i ask andrey to call my mom. i need to know for sure.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">six! she’ll be here at six! ok. good.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i><br />now</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am in labor.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it hurts.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i remember this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i ask amy what I’m supposed to do.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“i think you just breathe. just. keep.breathing.” she tells me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s just me and andrey now. i need him to squeeze my feets.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i remember that this helped while i was laboring with lucas.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we time them. four minutes apart. call ginger? call ginger.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">we move to my bedroom.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i bury my head in his arm on each contraction.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he’s still in his work clothes. i smell the sawdust. it comforts me. i hold on tight.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">andrey remembers that i’ll want to be in a sports bra when I get into the tub.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he finds it without asking and helps me into it.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he turns on the tv for me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">distraction. it’s ellen.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the tub is barely full but the tap water is already cooling. he starts pots to boil on the stove.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i love him for remembering how to do</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>this</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he is calm.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ginger calls. she’s on her way. half hour or less.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i need to get in the pool already.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>i need andrey.</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“they are coming too fast… i can’t get a grip” i tell him.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i get louder with each contraction.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ginger is here.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“good. good.” she says when she sees me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she quietly but quickly gets the things she will need set up.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am in labor. it. hurts.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">please! turn off the news. yes. HGTV is ok.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">the water is cool – but I feel so hot.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i need andrey. i squeeeeeeze his hands. he needs to take off his ring.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i squeeze gingers hands. she takes off her rings, too.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i am loud. i surprise myself with this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ginger reminds me to keep my voice low. i need to relax and that will help.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she hums along with me. she smells like peppermint.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“i need to hear you” i tell andrey.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“you’re doing so good. you’re ok” he tells me on the next contraction.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i love him for this.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i hold onto the pool handles and let myself float. float. float.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“am I really doing this? is this really</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>it</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">?”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it was probably around five thirty-ish on january twenty ninth.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>a thursday. </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“lindsay. look at me. this</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>is</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it.” ginger says.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">she checks me. six centimeters. fully effaced.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it’s only been a few hours.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>am</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">in labor. four centimeters to go. no way.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i switch over to my knees. i rest my arms and head on the side of the pool and hold andrey’s hands.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">please! turn off the t.v.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i need my playlist. turn it up loud.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">louder!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“such a way” by stephen kellogg</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><em>“…she moves in such a way<br />that people fall in love with her every single day…”</em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i realize that the sun has gone down. it’s dark in our bedroom.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>need </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">to push!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ginger tells andrey how he’ll need to pull the baby up out of the water so that they won’t have to move me.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">what?! already?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it hurts. bad. i’m done.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>need</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">to push!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i hear my mom.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><em>she’s here</em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">. i can let go now.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">it hurts.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">push! he’s coming.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><b>someone! please! get him out!</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i lean into andrey. sawdust. “you’re doing so good. you’re</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>amazing</i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">” he says.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i hear my mom again. “isn’t she so strong, andrey?”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i need to move. i turn around to sit down.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">push! it burns! push!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“there’s a cord” i hear my mom quietly say. “ok. there.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i push. i am loud. i can’t believe</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><i>this. </i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he’s in my arms.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">what?!</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he’s warm and wet. i can feel his heart beat, beat, beat against my chest.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBKYv0QPTpEpIjwjcdfrpBN6ID-WfMV_r4u8rXH09hOL7Mya542z-vN8yVu_yF077oMXUvou101WhTluDzVUgimhK7K-eCq7OzChuicuQxEjQWuRGzOIkDImtWYknA_64wxKfnr5ymSX4/s1600-h/DSC_16683.jpg" style="color: #e9aa67; text-decoration: none;"><img align="right" alt="DSC_1668" border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXy32BSPlrKVyygIDjqiLIsc6cVQ1sLIo6gKf8G88B14YUEUxiD-5NbuepQ7IRsZ0kRDXNVFTt4AG9IGsDRwsV89_3QlI16BG9Gg8CKUjb_cIiXqW11inN7IBgP9DOH8hfjxO-FDi4TCo/?imgmax=800" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-left-style: solid; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-right-style: solid; border-right-width: 0px; border-top-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); border-top-style: solid; border-top-width: 0px; border-width: initial; display: inline; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 4px; padding-left: 4px; padding-right: 4px; padding-top: 4px; position: relative;" title="DSC_1668" width="320" /></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i look at my mom. “is he here?” i ask.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">my eyes are huge.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i look at andrey. he has tears.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">i look at my fresh baby boy.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">disbelief.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">ginger flicks his tiny foot and i hear him wail.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">he’s here.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">“he’s gavin. isn’t he” i whisper.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, FreeMono, monospace; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">”oh, gavin west. it’s you.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; 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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Bentham; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">My daughter, Lindsay was due with her second baby Feb. 7th. Her first, Lucas was 2 weeks late. As her midwife, the logistics of caring for her long distance (nearly 700 miles) were challenging but we did it. She came to SLC a couple of times, I made some trips to WA and a midwife friend in WA did some fill in prenatal care. Knowing when to leave my home for her home was a bit trickier. I didn't want to come too soon and evoke the "watched pot" syndrome or as my husband says, "hover". So, I made my plan and had a plane ticket in hand for Friday, Jan. 30, 3pm.<br />My Thursday was full up with prenatal appts. I started early, left for Ogden at 8:00 and worked my way south hoping to be home by 9 pm to start laundry and packing. I met my mom and sister for lunch in Layton and was there when Lindsay called me for the first time. She said she was having some tightening and it hurt down low. Suspecting Braxton-Hicks that were nudging her baby down, I told her to eat, drink and lay on the couch. She said there was no real rhythm to the sensations so I went on with my day. At 2:00, I called to check on her and she said there was still no pattern. What she was experiencing however, caused her to stop in her tracks and she sounded unsettled to me. I asked her if she would go to the local midwife to be checked and she said, "No. I don't want to seem silly. I'm sure it's nothing."<br />I was nearing Point of the Mountain on my way to Eagle Mountain. My self-talk went along the line of "Is she in labor, 38 weeks, 5 days? Should I try to get to her now? How can I do that? What needs to be done?" Then I started making calls. First to my daughter Christine at work. I knew she would be in front of a computer and could look up Southwest flights for me. Next I called my sister Amy, also at work because she knows how to find Delta's schedule. I called a recent homebirth mom in Lindsay's neighborhood looking for an inflatable birth pool since ours wasn't scheduled for delivery until Feb. 3. No answer. Hmmmm. Try another midwife nearby. Left a message. Christine and Amy called back with flight times. Both airlines had flights out at 5 pm. Delta would get me to Pasco and Southwest would get me to Spokane where I could rent a car and drive 2 hours. I called Chuck and asked him to try and get my Delta ticket changed. Ever the practical, steady half of this marriage, he suggested we talk about it when he got home!! No, the plane leaves at 5. I have to be at the airport by 4. It's 2:30 and I'm now in Lehi. OK, he says, but Lindsay needs to be checked by Ginger (the local midwife) first. Another call to Lindsay. She's crying now. This really hurts. I told her I could be on a plane and would either be there at 6PM or 10PM but she needed to be checked first. That was my last contact with her. I called Ginger's office to brief her on the situation and she suggested Lindsay come in soon. Next call went to my daughter-in-law, Amelia, a homebirth mama who lives across the street from Lindsay. It took a minute for what I was asking of her to register. Lindsay needs to go to Ginger's office NOW. She agreed to leave immediately, 4 kids in tow. That was my last contact with Amelia. The other local midwife called and said she had an extra birth pool, LaBassine, no less and would call and tell Lindsay where she could pick it up. Thank you. I made calls to cancel the rest of my day's appts., brief Briana and work my way through the construction in Saratoga to get home. I still had no confirmation on anything. Was Lindsay in labor? Could I get an airplane ticket? It was beginning to feel surreal.<br />I got home sometime after 3. What should I do first? Am I really leaving? At least start moving in that direction. Try this sometime. Imagine what you would pack if you had 15 minutes to get it done. I threw some dirty laundry in a suitcase, a favorite sock without a match and the oddest assortment of birth equipment. Oh, might as well throw in that bag of Naartje goods I got for the grandbabies and the cool woolen drawstring instrument bag (empty) that Lindsay made for me awhile back. Uh-oh, can't leave the doppler gel in my messenger bag. Ziploc that and throw it in the suitcase. Grab your laptop, phone charger and throw the dogs out on this sunny afternoon. Oh, better print your Delta conf. # just in case Chuck gets it changed. I have now lost all sense of time and reason and am moving through this haze on pure adrenaline. Purse with ID, 20.00 cash off of my desk, a coat. Don't forget the new knit scarf, the messenger bag and the suitcase. GO.<br />I got in the car and didn't have my phone. Another dash back into the house. I heard the end of a message on the house phone. ".....(?) cm, 50% effaced, you should leave now." OK. I'm on my way, somehow.<br />A few miles down Bangerter Highway, I tried Chuck again. He answered and said he was having trouble connecting with Delta. It was already 4 PM. I doubted I could make either flight but told him I would continue on to the airport. My NO FUEL light came on. Yikes. My mom told me to get gas! Then my car started this weird lurching thing when I accelerated. Please little Passat. Keep going and may these stoplights cooperate. No luck. I hit them all red. Waiting, lurching all the way to the airport. Around 3500 South Chuck called. His words. "Delta. You're on. Go!" I called him back. Should I forget about checking the suitcase and just run? He told me to park in the garage as near to the skywalk as possible and call him. I did. 4:25PM. "You have 35 minutes so go ahead and check your bag."<br />It seemed like everything moved so slowly. I fumbled at the kiosk and had to get help. Oh, yeah. They charge for the suitcase now. Find your debit card. My helper realizes my flight leaves at 5PM. “Oh my! Walk briskly,”he says. I KNOW! Finally the bag is checked, documents are in hand and I'm off to my gate. I heard my name called. "Will Cathereeeen Larson report to blah, blah" I'm there. Now I'm instructed to walk/run to gate 42! That is at the very end of Delta's new and never ending walkway. I called my consultant Chuck to tell him I was almost on the plane. He was relieved and said, "They won't leave without you." Cool. Incoming call. It's Andrey, Lindsay's husband, wanting to know when I will be there. I tell him 6PM and he sighs relief. A quick call to my sister Amy. She wants to know what she should be doing. I tell her to do Lindsay's thinking for her, instruct Andrey to get the pool up and filled and grab some good protein food for me and pick me up at the Pasco airport.<br />After nearly boarding a plane to Missoula, I found the way to my plane, my window seat. Phone turned off. It's all up to the birth gods now. This must be what "on a wing and a prayer" means. I tried to doze. Couldn't. Read the Delta travel mag then the Sky Mall catalogue, drank my plastic cup of ice water and nibbled on my Gourmet Center Biscotti.<br />As we began the descent to Tri-Cities, the view from my window overcame me. The sun was setting and the mighty Columbia River was weaving its westward way. Mount Hood was in the distance and the color of the sunset was incredible. Gazing out, I felt wrapped in warmth and assurance that all would be well. I felt a strong, binding connection to my little grandson. For the first time in weeks, I paused and let the peace fill me. I started to cry a little and readied myself for whatever would come.<br />We landed early. 5:40 PST. A call to Amy. She was on her way and pulled up to the curb just as I came out with my bag. She handed over the Arby sandwich and briefed me with what she knew. "Ginger is with them at the house. Amelia dropped off some groceries and supplies and said it sounds like a birthing going on." I asked how long ago that was. "Oh, about 45 minutes ago" Amy says. "Oh, Amy, Hurry!"<br />We pulled up to Lin's house and I ran in. I was met by feelings of peace and loud music. "Such A Way" by Stephen Kellogg. That girl loves her Birth Playlist!. Then I heard it. The strong, primal vocalizing that only a birthing mama can do. I followed it into their dim bedroom. There she was. My strong baby girl on her hands and knees in the birth pool supported by Andrey's strong arms. Midwife Ginger softly said to me, "He's coming." I reached in and felt a dime sized bit of baby head. "Oh, Sinny, I'm here. You are so strong and so beautiful. Your baby will be here soon." She moved instinctually and surrendered to the powerful surges that moved her baby closer to this world. Ginger reminded us that the baby would be passed forward through her legs and Andrey would help bring him up. Right then, Lindsay said she had to move. She turned over and her wee one crowned. I cradled his head, felt a little ear. The head was out, he turned, a loop of cord was slipped from his neck. He was gently born and lifted to his mama's arms. It was there that he took his first breath, opened his eyes and announced with a lusty cry, "I am here."</span><br />
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Lovely Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16824437494448106263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-14785361634639780692013-01-15T01:17:00.000-07:002013-01-15T09:32:35.076-07:00twice as much love<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love this picture. The first woman I ever loved meeting the most recent lady love in my life, Great-grandma and Baby Sage. My mom drove herself down the snowy canyon just for this moment with a fresh new babe. She's getting a new knee tomorrow and knew it would be a long while 'til she'd be down here again. </div>
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I love you, Mom. You're brave and strong and stubborn and funny and supportive of every crazy thing I do. You loved me good and taught me how to pay it forward. As I watch my girls with their babies, I am aware of the source of these powerful love ripples. We are truly from the Tribe of Roots and Wings. We are grounded. We can soar. We listen. We sing out. We can lead. We can follow. And oh, how hard we do love. </div>
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I was thinking about my love legacy as the New Year came in. My vision of 2013 is crisp and clear. It's my year to BE in my own nest. No far off trips, no big projects. I want to sup with <i style="font-weight: bold;">my</i> women and grow stronger my wings. I want to lead gently and follow humbly, right here in my own village. I want to hold still. Receive, reflect and quietly serve. I won't be treading water, just living more slowly. Gather. Fill. Stand ready. <span style="color: #660000;">I will keep loving. With all of my heart, I will keep loving.</span> The world needs love and I have twice as much as most.</div>
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I am here for you, Mom, as you have always, always, unfaltering, been here for me. I am here for you, Baby Sage, breathing peace into your soul. Grow happy. <span style="color: #990000;">**</span></div>
cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-45049279061782089842012-11-02T22:14:00.001-06:002012-11-02T22:14:48.898-06:00Day 5 WavesBefore leaving Utah, everything felt so chaotic. I couldn't get the loose ends tied up. I wasn't ready. Thank you Gina for so wisely guiding me to simplicity and clarity. You asked,"What are you hoping this trip will bring to you?" Long pause. My answer. "I want to shake everything out of me. Like turning a vessel upside down and shaking it 'til it empties. When empty, I want to sit in stillness and let myself slowly fill with only that which matters. I want this trip to unclutter me, to bring me peace."<br />
I think today I nearly reached empty, everything almost out. It took longer than I thought. I tried earlier in the week to pull out my notebooks, start moving but I couldn't even ask the question of myself, "What next?" By now I thought I'd be mixing it up with local midwives. I found some connections but it doesn't seem like the right time.<br />
Me and the sea. That's where I'm dumping my chaos. The waves were big today, powerful and close together like a lady's transition in labor. I wandered into a little shop and found the perfect journal for collecting directions for <i>What's Next.</i> Before I go to bed tonight, the last of my mental clutter will be laid out. When the pinkset sky wakes me, I will be ready.<br />
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-57916825216999139722012-11-02T21:21:00.000-06:002012-11-02T21:21:19.635-06:00Day 4 My LuckyUp with the sun.<br />
At 5:30 am the most incredible thing happens. The sun starts creeping up over the sea in the east. It starts as a gentle pink wash and progresses to all shades of the red family until the big ol' orange ball commands you to get up and take note. Every morning, I do. I go out on the upper deck and watch the whole thing. When it starts, Miss Venus is so bright just above the horizon. Then I run to a deck on the west side. The moon is just thinking about setting and taking his very shiny friend, Jupiter, with him. It's almost too much to take in. I feel such amazement to be under an arc created by the sun and the moon as Venus and Jupiter see eye to eye. Powerful. I know this would never grow old. It would only grow more and more precious, these things that matter most.<br />
<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: large;">*<span style="color: blue;">*</span></span></span>cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-8254361126039795232012-11-01T21:28:00.002-06:002012-11-01T21:47:04.013-06:00Day 3 HalloweenWe are staying near a really cool place called CESIAK, Centro Ecologico Sian Ka'an. It is a biosphere reserve and the hub for some amazing work. They also provide a variety of tours, offer bio tent cabins and a small restaurant that provides fresh local food. We signed up for a 3 hour boat tour. I seriously hummed the Gilligan's Island theme song all day. I must say this. Our skipper looked nothing like Gilligan's skipper. Jorge. Long, wavy black hair that he pulled up into a messy bun. He's been studying flora and fauna out here for several years and hopes to write a one of a kind book soon. I like a good, smart hippie. The tour of the lagoon on the west side of us was cool. Half way out we all jumped in a canal and went with the flow. I am always a little scared of <i>the fauna. </i>I know I'm due to see a snake soon and there were good size fish visible. I do not like fish fluttering on my skin. I felt proud of myself for getting over it and floating down. We met up with our boat and headed back. Guess what? Jorge gets all excited and makes the driver slow down. There was a crocodile in the water. We got right next to him. Scary eyes! Happy Halloween! I will probably not float down jungle rivers again.cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-33509933367114014482012-11-01T20:53:00.001-06:002012-11-02T22:16:39.436-06:00Dia de los Muertos 2012<div style="text-align: left;">
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Does 2 years in a row make a tradition? I think so. I am in the Yucatan on Day of the Dead just like last year. I just created a fitting altar for Miss Bri and as I sat down to write, Bon Iver randomly came on. Very cool. Last year the missing was so raw. I tried hard, really hard to channel the emotion into something good. I know Briana would hurt so badly if all that was left of her here was grief. Sometimes I feel her in the seat beside me as I drive to births in Li'l Red. Sometimes I see her perched in the room at a long labor. But only sometimes now. She is helping me create my new song, one good verse at a time. I am not rushing it because I like when she is close. During the space between these Days of Dead, The Briana Project was created. I have attended the births of Norah, Brinlee and Elliott. As Ian said on Terrible Day: "Cathy, she will still be with you. She will just be on the other side guiding the babies down to your hands." He was right. I love you Briana. Here is your altar. I have placed my Africa bag on it. You left soon after my first trip and were the reason for my last trip. There is a beautiful white seashell. It reminds me of our 3 week road trip that included Thousand steps beach and Big Sur. I bought you some Tres Leche cake. You Blackie girls introduced it to me. I had to have some <i>Pan </i>for you tonight. I waited in a Mexican bakery today, waited and waited until the baker was satisfied. He wrapped it still warm for you. The last thing is the book I just finished, <i>La Partera. </i>It feels like we're gonna serve Latin women next, Bri. On American turf and underground. We had many discussions about it. Vanessa and Becki are working the Guatemala connections. If that's where we need to go, help us out. Come on over to mi Casa Houston, girl. Let's make some Mexican hot chocolate and break bread.<br />
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cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9168815099443260465.post-62896018228081085382012-10-30T19:46:00.000-06:002012-10-30T19:46:15.947-06:00Day 2 Moving slowlyI think we've made the transition to slow time. I don't even have a watch. Mine broke at the airport. So I'm in my own time zone. Sleep, wake, whenever.<br />
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I finished my first book, <i>La Partera. </i>It's the bio of a Mexican midwife, Jesusita Aragon. It left me full of admiration for her but a lot discouraged about many things. Does hard work matter? I'll be thinking about her life for awhile<br />
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The sun left a pink glow on me today. There are boogie boards here and I just don't want to stop paddling around in this beautiful sea glass blue green water.<br />
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I slow cooked a yummy dinner, started catch-up on many emails and might even start thinking about my NARM recertification which is up soon. I'm receiving updates from my birth peeps; they are taking care of business. That allpws me to sink into a deep state of vacation peace.<br />
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Tomorrow is Halloween. We signed up for a 3 hour tour (not kidding) of a lagoon. So Gilligan-ish. Guess I'll dress up as MaryAnn.<br />
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Oh, and how about that moon last night! I'm going to put on my favorite black jammies, load up some dreamy Beatles music, sit outside and look at it again.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Goodnight~~</span><br />
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<br />cathmomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07463460760473167148noreply@blogger.com2