Tuesday, December 1, 2009

"the chaos about thee. . ."

can't sleep. no, i didn't get up too early, just never went to bed. i hate when this happens. it's been me and 'jes, the phat black lab and some bad tv. my last season of nights like this was over 4 years ago. i got thru it by spending nights in my office on my perfect chair. it's all been redone. eclectic red treasures have been replaced, the chair moved upstairs, the space all cleansed and refreshed. however, i've noticed that no one hangs out in there anymore. it used to be a place for the weary to be recharged, including me. a place where i've held heavy hearts and poured mine out during some long nights. something is wrong. my office still smells so good, music stills plays, 'jes still curls up under my desk. is it the chair? i saw a beauty in santa barbara last month that i could order. did i break the spirit of my sacred space by scooting all the sweet memories out? other than my desk, this framed gem by lindsay is all that remains from my original space. i need my corner of the world back.
if you ever spent time in my old cozy office, please share your memory of what you felt there.
at this crazy hour of the nightday, i'm reminded of an old quote.
"the chaos about thee is but the confusion within thee"
it may all appear to be orderly. my vision of where i want to be is clear enough.
still there is something clogging the path. fog.
yes, i need my healing place.


lovely lindsay said...

my favorite memory is definitely labor sitting with amy and her cameron belly there. all of my sisters and both dogs. it was so peaceful and we were all so excited that this new boy babe was maybe! maybe? on his way. lucky for us we do have a photograph.
i remember a sweet moment in your striped chair, i'd come to visit and see if i could help you in the jumble that was a pregnant natalie on bedrest and a house full of teenage girls. i squeezed you tight and reminded you to take care of yourself, too.
and of course the many warm cozy naps i had in that chair. it's the chair, cath. you need a squishy chair.
love, lin

mimi said...

oh man, this makes me cry my eyes out. "the space" is so important in the "the story" of things.

yes...my labor space...and watching the clock in your office...with all of your girls..and doula dogs nestled in there. that office is the safest place ever.
and it seems like we used to land there as soon as we arrived from travels to your south jordan house. in road clothes...dirty and hungry...that was the space to flock to.
i love the light that comes in your office...and loved to sit in that chair we found on a lucky sundance day.

is it the missing chair? i think so.
it's either that or my belly cast!

yeah lin...naps in that chair...
i think we've all slept with our babes there.

start with a chair

auntgigi said...

Did I let you borrow my Wabi Sabi book? Were you ever able to read any of the quotes and teachings?Here is some Wabi Sabi philosophy for you:

"Wabi" is the kind of perfect beauty that is seemingly-paradoxically caused by just the right kind of imperfection, such as an asymmetry in a ceramic bowl which reflects the handmade craftsmanship, as opposed to another bowl which is perfect, but soul-less and machine-made.

"Sabi" is the kind of beauty that can come only with age, such as the patina on a very old bronze statue.

You need the chair. It is wabi sabi. You accidentally broke the energy of your room, by moving the chair out... it was the mother soul of the room.
I'm finding it so amusing that I can't find my Wabi Sabi book. I'm so random, scattered and imperfect, I'm perfectly Wabi Sabi!!!!

cathmom said...

G, try looking under your front car seat for your book. I think I may be responsible. You, my friend saw the replacement possible chair in the window of the store in Santa B. It could be fate that we saw it there just like fate led me and Amy to the grand original one winter day at Sundance. I'm rationalizing. You'll be here soon. You can help. Lin is coming tomorrow and Amy this weekend.